20.2.10

I Tried Not to Hate Humans

When I was in Primary School, I was a crybaby... I really hated the guys at that time, because they always call me 'pondan' because I cried whenever someone makes fun of me... The girls took pity on me and I became their friend... But I think at that time, I really had a great heart... Obedient, kind, helpful, polite...

Years have passed... I was in Secondary School...

I undergone a lot of changes since then... The teachers said not to cry whenever someone makes fun at me... So I learned how to badmouth people, in order to protect myself... Well, my words became a bit harsh, and really hurt people...

During the last years of my secondary education, an incident happened between me and the girls... They cast me away, thinking that I might turn into one (a girl). So I am left with one options; get better relationship with the guys...

So I tried to find a connection that will link me to the guys... I messed up, they saw me as weird, and so they never fully accepted me as a friend... So at that time I hated the girls...

I got into University...

New, fresh place and people... So I thought might as well liven up, trying to make new friends and don't just stick to one or two... It didn't turned up well, because no one wanted to be friends with someone who really thinks friendship must be accompanied by feelings and emotions...

When I finally got into university, my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual abilities waver and become unstable... I stopped trusting people because of the incidence from childhood, and only be friends with people who accepted me for who I am, and so the number of friends who values me becomes very little...

Right now? I'm almost out of control... I stressed out a lot, cried a lot, laugh in sadness, fail to control my emotions, become skeptical, and many more... In short, I've become physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually weakened...

There's too many pain I could not get rid of... I'm always in a bad mood because of that, but I tried not to make it obvious to anyone... Even though people may see me laughing, my heart is actually feeling very painful...

I don't want to hate humans because of their treatment to me... Besides, I'm a human too, and there are friends who are there to listen to me, but in the university, that's what they do... Just listen, no helping hand unless I asked... If I tell my parents, they might be sympathetic, but they cannot do anything else aside giving advices...

The only one who can listen to me is Allah, but sometimes I wondered if He wants to listen to me... I do feel relieved when I speak to Him, though... I tried to be busy, but when I stop thinking, the hurtful memories and feelings float back into my heart...

I don't think I'll ever be good again...


4 comments:

  1. Are you kidding? Fitnah Dajjal ada di mana-mana... Even Malaysia... Remember AJL?...I don't know what the Zionist are planning to do in 2012, but I don't think it's a good thing...

    I'm just worried that I might never be as good like I used to be, because of these painful experiences... I just hope things can get better after I married...

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  2. wah~ patutlah terbau-bau jer nasi minyak sampai ke JB!

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  3. Kak B: Lambat lagi la... Mak kata umo 31 baru leh kawen...

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